Maria & Fanny
I’ve always wanted the approval and support of my mother (who doesn’t?) and never seemed to get it. It was just the two of us for a long time but we never really built a relationship in the early years. So in my teens I turned againsnt her and resolutely decided that I would never be like her. I would do everything that she didn’t do. I would support myself without the help of any man. I would enjoy life without having any restrictions, without having to ask for permission. I was going to do the things she never did. I was going to try my best to get over any anxieties and shame and fears brought on by family strife. I was going to live my life in light and never darkness. I was going to return to Honduras and honor the place where we were both born. I was going to have a relationship with the family she was afraid to stay in touch with. She kept secrets very well. I hated secrets. I disliked suffering in silence, something that she seemed to do really well until things exploded like a volcano and then damage control took effect. I wasn’t going to be afraid of life. Yeah…I was going to do a lot of things differently. I didn’t even want to look like her and resented when people suggested that we did. But fate has other plans for your life and so here I am much older and looking uncanningly like my mother and I’ve made some of the same mistakes that she did and I put up walls just like she does and sometimes I’m afraid of life. The mistakes she made I didn’t make were because she made them and I handled those differently. But I’ve made my own mistakes. I understand her now. I know why she made the choices she made without excusing them. Heck, I’ve even forgiven her. And now I’m laughing cynically at fate and wondering what else it has in store for me. And hoping I don’t screw up royally.