Are You There God? It’s me Fanny
I haven’t prayed in a long time. But I’ve been thinking about spirituality lately. I’ve been thinking about how I’m going about my business and trying to accomplish my goals and tell a couple of stories on stage but feeling like I have no purpose. I grew up praying all the time. Asking God to make something stop or praying that I could get through it. It seems he never made anything stop. I always had to get through it. Sometimes with a lot of anger and other times with a lot of dissasociation.
I’ve been enrolled in school for two semesters now. The plan is to get through all my Math classes first because I don’t have a job right now and hence I have the time to study eight hours a day or more. I managed to pass my first Algebra class. Just barely though. And now the second Algebra class is harder and it seems faster. It doesn’t help that I chose to take it in a program that is only 8 weeks long instead of the usual 16 weeks of a semester.
It’s hard not to think that I’ve bitten more than I can chew. That I should of just taken it slow and done the classes in the longer semester. But I thought I could do it. I believed others who also thought I could do it. Afterall, I was going to have the time to study. A friend helped tutor me and that’s partly why I did well in the first class. I’m trying to understand but my brain seems to have other ideas. I once took the Myers Briggs Personality test and I remember my results were all squarely centered in the artistic quadrant of the graph. There was nothing analytical or logical about the way my brain processed information. I am trying to train my brain to think differently but perhaps it needs more time in order to adapt.
I really want to pass this class. I don’t want to have to take it again. I don’t want to feel like a loser when I don’t pass the class. I don’t want to be at community college for years. I want to get done with what I need to get done and then move on to university so that I can start taking the English and creative writing classes that I really need for my writing.
Maybe God has other plans for me. Maybe I’m supposed to learn a lesson when I fail out of this class and take it over again. Maybe he wants me to work harder so that I will pass it and finally realize that I can do it. I don’t know what he is thinking. I just wish that for once he would take my desires into consideration and give me a break.
I’m going to go run a couple of errands in a minute and then I’m going to stop by my favorite church and sit in silence and pray and hope that he’ll be up there listening and won’t mind that he hasn’t heard from me in a while.
Please God, help me pass my class. Pour some mathematical enlightenment into my brain and help it understand how quadratic equations can help me find the right size jeans . Now, I don’t really know if it can do that but I’m trying to find some practical use for this information.
Please help me understand Algebra. I’m not asking for bigger boobies or more money or a bigger apartment or a handsome boyfriend. All I want is to pass Algebra so I can keep writing. I know I haven’t prayed in a while. But I’m sure you’ll understand that I was really angry with you for a long time. But I’m back now.
You gave me this talent for writing…don’t you want me to get better? Don’t you want me to pursue it? Please help me do that. I don’t want to barter with you. I won’t say that I’ll write a play someday about how you work in mysterious ways. I think you already know that I won’t. But I will write a play about trying to understand that believing in you can help. I can try to do that. Please help me pass Algebra. Amen.