The Skittish Writer

I haven’t written since the play closed.

No, wait…I did fix the first ten pages of the play sometime in December. I was going to send them out to a writing competition.

But then my aunt divorced me from facebook and her life. I suspect it’s because she read my play. I didn’t know for sure because she refuses to talk to me. I never thought the words I wrote in my play would have that much power. Seriously? It’s just a play! But I guess it was different for her. Kind of freaked me out for a while. And then the Golden Globes Incident happen. I was at a friend’s house and my phone accidentally called her and she heard us having fun and laughing while commenting on celebrity outfits and cooing over Colin Firth. What was innocent fun to me was a drunken stupor while I was out partying to her. She texted me the next day saying she was praying for me while I had been out getting drunk. She’s concerned I’ll become a heroin addict because I don’t go to church. Uhm, yeah. At that point I decided to get my own divorce and said goodbye to HER. I wonder if marathon runners can also be heroin addicts? Possible but definitely not me. I told her as much and then deleted her phone number. No chance of “drunk dialing” again if she’s not in my phonebook!

And yet, I still have not written a word. I haven’t even written in my journal. I used to write in it every day. I haven’t even kept up with my blog.

I missed the deadline for the writing competition. It was an easy one too. Just submit ten pages, a one sheet info about the play and a letter of recommendation. Muy facil. Asi como si nada. Simple. But I didn’t send it. I don’t think I’m ready for submissions. I’m not even sure I should say that out loud or in this here blog. Everyone says, “Send it out!” But maybe this is not the play I want to send out. It’s kind of mean. I’m a little afraid of what I say in this play. I’m afraid of what my characters say. Some of them are kind of mean. I know what you’re saying, “Get out of your head!” But your not me, and this play is kind of personal. No, actually, IT IS personal.

And I also see a lot of wholes in the piece. Big ones. It’s got “amateur” written all over it. I kind of want to get better before I start sending stuff out. Let me get through a couple English, Creative Writing, and Composition classes at school. I think that will help. At least I won’t feel like I’m shooting in the dark. I watched a youtube video of Junot Diaz the other day. He was at the Library of Congress and he talked about how The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao took him 11 years to write and not one thing about it was fun. That’s kind of how I feel about The Rosalila. Not one part about it was fun. Even when I laughed, it was hard work and every fiber of my body and soul was involved.  I’m emotionally exhausted. I don’t regret it at all but I’m tired. Let me tackle something not so heavy before I start sending it out. If I do this slowly I won’t feel as skittish about the rewrites. I’ll start little by little, without any pressure and it will be ready when I least expect it.

This is a start. I wrote in my blog! I owe it all to this cool mug I got from a friend.

Just write like a motherfucker Fanny! It’s my new motto.